


‘Whatever Turns You On’: Reading Queerness in ‘The Goodies’

by AutisticWriter



Series: Meta [9]
Category: The Goodies (TV)
Genre: Bisexuality, Canon Dialogue, Essays, LGBTQ Themes, Meta, Multi, Nonfiction, Polyamory, Queer Themes, Shipping, Subtext, Swearing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-10
Updated: 2017-12-24
Packaged: 2019-02-13 00:57:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 13
Words: 2,418
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12972216
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AutisticWriter/pseuds/AutisticWriter
Summary: An essay in which I attempt to collect all of the queer and bisexual moments in ‘The Goodies’.





	1. Intro

_The Goodies_ is a British sitcom, which ran on the BBC from 1970 to 1980, running for a further series on LWT in 1981-1982. It follows three friends, Bill, Graeme and Tim (they shares names with their actors, and a few traits, but the similarity ends there), who decide to set up an agency called ‘The Goodies’, promising to help whoever asks of them and to do “anything, anytime.” However, their weekly escapades are not exactly normal, leading to run-ins with giant kittens, mad scientists, robots and many more.

And it is worth noting that whilst the three Goodies occasionally date women (or their computer, if they are Graeme), the three of them have the strongest relationships with each other. This series contains a lot of homoeroticism, with the Goodies falling into strange pseudo-romantic relationships with each other, often filling the roles of husband and wife, not to mention their tastes for cross dressing and completely confusing gender roles. Tim is the main source of these moments (being the campest and most in favour of cross dressing), but Graeme and Bill certainly get in on it as well.

This essay is an attempt to document the homoerotic moments that appear throughout the series, listing them in chronological order. Hopefully by the end of reading this, you too will see how bisexual the characters of Bill, Graeme and Tim come across as.


	2. Kitten Kong

When Tim and Graeme return home from watching a chess match, they find Bill dressed like a chef and cooking a proper gourmet meal for a guinea pig. Unfortunately for the humans, this means they lose their good meal and get the food intended for the guinea pig. This irritates Tim, and Bill tells him to show kindness towards their dumb (animal) friends.

To which Tim says, “The only dump friend I’ve got is you.”

This offends Bill, and the two of them dissolve into an argument. And they specifically sound like a bickering old married couple. This includes them folding their arms and turning their backs to each other, muttering about how Tim can’t cook and Bill feels underappreciated, which leads to this particular exchange:

“I’ve got a good mind to go back to Mother’s.”

“Go then!”

“I shall!”

When Graeme tries to intervene, he gets yelled at like a partner trying to break up an argument: “AND YOU KEEP OUT OF THIS!” Tim and Bill both yell at him. He tells Tim that he’s being silly, and Tim moans that Graeme always takes sides with Bill. Eventually, Graeme tells them both to shut up.

Also featured is the mock ad break, which includes an advert for ‘Butch Tobacco’. It follows a man smoking a pipe and walking along with his butch body guard and trying to outrun a swarm of attractive young women. After a while, they enter a park and the bodyguard locks the gate. The man then winks and blows him a kiss, and the two of them walk off holding hands.


	3. Come Dancing

Come Dancing

In this episode, Tim and Bill find themselves needing to learn to dance. They decide to try an LP by a parody of Lionel Blair, who narrates the instructions to them. After deciding who will do the man’s steps and who will do the woman’s steps, Bill and Tim stand together on their instructional mat covered in footprints, and try to follow the steps.

However, they quickly mess the steps up, their legs getting tangled together. They cling together to stay upright, confused by what is going on. Which leads to a confused and distressed Tim yelling, “Look, I am the woman!”

When Graeme walks into the room to Tim screaming these words and the two Goodies all tangled up together, he jumps to the wrong conclusion. He apologises and tries to rush out of the room. Tim and Bill irritably correct him, but it is clear Graeme thought he was walking in on his fellow Goodies doing something rather rude.


	4. The New Office

The New Office

After being forced to leave their office, the Goodies look for new premises. But this means visiting an estate agents, and they don’t have enough money for a good place. So Graeme concocts a plan to earn them pity at the estate agents: dressing up as a family.

So whilst Graeme sports tatty clothes, Tim has to dress up as a woman, playing the role of the wife (with poor Bill being dragged along to be their baby). Only Graeme seems to like their idea (for some reason), but the others go along with it.

And it turns out that Bill’s humiliation was in vain, because the estate agent (who totally isn’t the builder they met earlier) doesn’t fall for their plan.


	5. The Goodies and the Beanstalk

The Goodies and the Beanstalk

Whilst they are living in the park, the Goodies have to improvise with methods to keep warm. One of these methods is using newspapers as blankets. In one of these moments, Bill has a newspaper blanket across his torso and thighs, lying on his back on a bench. Tim spots an interesting article on the cover of the newspaper and tries to read it, having to climb over Bill and put his hands on the paper to smooth it out. Bill obviously thinks Tim is trying to grope him, and gets annoyed. He gets distracted when Tim begins to read the article.


	6. Kung Fu Kapers

Kung Fu Kapers

At the beginning of the episode, Graeme and Tim are mucking around in the office, teaching themselves Kung Fu. After not doing very well at it, Graeme decides to try a move called ‘attacking the nerve points’. This involves him prodding Tim all over the body, which makes Tim giggle.

As Graeme prods him, Tim giggles and says, “Graeme, they’ll begin to talk.”


	7. The Movies

The Movies

After becoming film producers, Tim, Graeme and Bill get far too into their roles. Bill becomes a drunk, Irish bloke, Graeme becomes very preened and camp, whilst Tim stays in character as his Lady Macbeth actress, walking about in a dress and makeup.

They bicker a lot about their appearances, before sitting down to watch the preview screening of their film. Bill sits beside Tim, and when the lights go down, Tim snaps, “Get your hand off my knee!”


	8. The End

The End

The Goodies are trapped inside their office by a huge block of concrete, and have been here for some time now. With the prospect of being stuck here for another three years, Tim starts lamenting about how he wants to have a son. And Bill points out that it might be a bit difficult to have a son whilst stuck in this office with two other blokes.

“For the next three years, we three are doomed to be bachelors gay,” Bill says, slapping his hand on Tim’s shoulder.

Tim slaps his hand away, only to find Graeme trying to put his hand on his other shoulder. He tells them to stop it, but Bill just grins. He leans close to Tim, his head practically resting on his shoulder, and says, “I don’t mind shaving, you know. Under all this lot I look a bit like Liza Minnelli.”

“I often wondered why you grew it,” Tim mutters, and Bill calls him a bitch.


	9. Saturday Night Grease

Saturday Night Grease

In the scene where he teaches Tim how to dance to disco music, Graeme sports a rather fetching pink dress with tutu. He has no valid reason to do this (other than saying, “Three fellas going out dancing together? People would stare at us!”), and doesn’t look remotely uncomfortable to be wearing a dress.

Bill gets rather amorous when looking at Graeme in his dress, commenting that there’s no point in Tim going out to get women when he has Graeme right here. He gets a strange look.

Graeme prances about somewhat camply as he teaches Tim to dance, teaching him dance moves to get the woman of his dreams down at the disco club. When Tim starts talking about how he would woo his dream woman, he grabs Graeme around his waist and leans far too close to him. he talks to Graeme as if he were his dream woman, leading Graeme to push him away and comment that he’s supposed to be teaching Tim how to dance, “Not snogging!”


	10. Royal Command

Royal Command

After their royal command performance, Tim walks into the office dressed as an Earl. He talks about how he hopes to receive the title of Earl and/or an OBE, but the conversation quickly turns silly when Graeme points out that an earl with an OBE would be an ‘earlobe’.

The pair talk about Earls, with Graeme starting to sing songs with the word in place of words like ‘girl’. His song choices are romantic songs.

In a French accent, Graeme opens his arms and sings, “Earls were made to love and kiss.” He grins at Tim and says, “Those tights are very sexy. Come on, give us a kiss.”

“Why not?” Tim says, and he sings, “I’m just an earl who can’t say no!”

He dances towards Graeme with the intent of kissing him. Graeme clearly realises this, because he jumps up onto the desk. Who knows what would have happened had someone not knocked on the door?


	11. Robot

Robot

In this episode, Tim and Graeme manage to end up acting like a couple stuck in a dysfunctional marriage. After sacking Bill to cut a third of the bills, Graeme and Tim decide to make a robot to take Bill’s place. Graeme builds the robot, and his role of creating the robot means he falls into the motherly role in their duo. And Tim, anxious for Graeme as he makes the robot, falls perfectly into the role of a worried father.

When Bill comes back to collect his things, he finds Tim prancing around, fidgeting and worrying about him. Bill is baffled, wondering what is going on. As Tim rambles about being worried about Graeme because he is “nearing his time”, Bill moans that Graeme has always been Tim’s favourite.

And when Tim finally goes to visit Graeme, yelling “I must be with him!”, Bill looks confused as he says, “I didn’t know they were _that_ close.”

Seconds later, Tim runs back into the room, panicking and yelling about boiling hot water and teapots. Bill realises what is going on, noting that it isn’t natural. And then they hear a loud pop and the sound of crying can be heard.

And Graeme runs into the room with a bundle in his arms, goes up to Tim and grins as he says, “Congratulations, it’s a robot.”

As Tim grins and pulls silly faces for the robot, Bill says that this is too weird (and is offended to be being replaced by a robot) and leaves. Graeme tells Tim off for treating the robot like an infant, only to immediately start talking in a baby voice to the robot. They both smile and fuss over their new robot.

In the middle of the night (in a room with three beds not that far apart), Graeme and Tim are awoken by the robot crying. Graeme moans that it is Tim’s turn to “oil the robot”, but Tim refuses to get out of bed. So Graeme sighs and gets out of bed, and starts feeding the robot. He starts bouncing on Tim’s bed to wake him up, and they proceed to start bickering. They argue about who ‘made’ the robot, about how Tim never looks after their robot, about how Graeme probably as ‘post-robot depression’, and how Graeme is sick of this and wants to get an au pair.

The next morning, Tim is ignoring Graeme, leaving poor Gray to do all the housework and look after the robot. He only perks up once the possible au pairs (and Bill) arrive, and his fawning over the young women makes Graeme obviously jealous.

Later, after Bill repeatedly tried and failed to get rid of the robot, it has began to grow up. It now looks like a teenager, and is acting like a particularly moody one. The robot comes home late with its girlfriend in tow, and Graeme and Tim are not impressed.

And as the robot runs amok, Graeme laments, “Where did we go wrong?”

And when Tim tries to talk to their teenage robot like an irritated parent, he gets confused when trying to describe his and Graeme’s relationships with the robot, saying, “Your mother and I… your father and I… Graeme and I…”

Which is fair enough, given how strange and ambiguous their relationship has been in this episode.


	12. Holiday

Holiday

This episode begins with Tim acting like a neglected housewife, bitter that he spends all day at home whilst Graeme and Bill go out to their unnamed work.

Tim comments that something has gone wrong with “this relationship”, basically confirming that the three Goodies have completely ended up in some kind of dysfunctional polyamorous relationship by this point.

Graeme and Bill only manage to shut him up by letting him take them all on holiday. However, their holiday is so boring that it doesn’t really solve any of their problems.


	13. Animals

Animals

In the last episode of the entire run of The Goodies, Tim and Bill fall into a strange homoerotic relationship during the plot of an even stranger episode. For reasons that must only exist in their universe, Graeme, a pet shop owner, starts selling humans dressed as animals (as in, they have tails and fake noses; it’s not exactly high-tech) instead. One of these human pets is Bill dressed as a dog, who gets bought by Tim.

However, Tim doesn’t have the best relationship with his new pet. Bill gets on his nerves, destroying his belongings and being a nuisance

And in a scene that really reads just like a dysfunctional relationship, Bill starts to lament about how Tim doesn’t care about him anymore. He mentions the silly pet names Tim used to call him (such as Smidgen Flufflett), and says about how Tim always used to rub his stomach and let him stick his nose in his ear.

The whole conversation infuriates Tim, who acts like an uncaring partner. In the end, Tim gets sick of him and decides to dump Bill in the canal. However, when he looks into Bill’s “big brown eyes”, he can’t bring himself to do it, and Bill howls as Tim starts to sob.

It truly is a bizarre relationship, but it fits the dynamics mentioned in this essay, so I think it counts.

**Author's Note:**

> Marked complete for now, but I will add more chapters when necessary.


End file.
